#39: what goes up
My Life in March
Hello friends,
I’ve slept long hours the last few nights, and in the space between wake and sleep, I’ve thought, in that vague, dreamy way, about how plastic my life really is. I can do whatever I want and be whoever I want and self-betterment doesn’t have to be painful. I would love to make some decisions once and for all so I can draw a line in the sand and say, this is when my life changed.
For Grace’s birthday, we went to Chinatown and got lunch and shopped. I bought: a hair clip, an umbrella, sake cups, and a bamboo shoot. When it got dark we went dancing and it was an amazing night. To have an amazing night there are three stars that must align: the drinks need to sit right in the stomach, the bar/club/house needs to have the right ambience, and the friends need to be in the right mood. My stomach was full from dim sum and the tequila got me perfectly drunk. The bar was the right size and the DJ played a perfect mix (blend of new stuff and old stuff, stuff I knew and stuff I didn’t, nice bpm, nice volume, also just like… I loved their music and that’s really all there is to it). And the third star locked in to place as I had the b day girl and Trinity there with me, in the exact same perfect mood I was in. Bonus point, I was wearing a perfect outfit: my cowgirl boots, knit cream-colored tights, denim mini skirt, tight striped sweater—there are, sadly, no pictures of my beautifulness, but please trust.
On this particular night, in addition to my stars aligning, the earth aligned with the moon in an eclipse, which we witnessed coming out of the bar, and again coming off the train, and again coming out of Taco Bell. Because it was a lunar eclipse and not a solar eclipse, the internet didn’t make a big deal about it, and it ended up feeling like a secret between all the people who were out way too late on a Thursday. Outside of the bars, everyone stood with their chins tilted up, squinting at the sky, commenting on the red outline of the earth and how crazy it felt to see the planet moving in real time.
I woke up at noon feeling watery and thin, and then worked the busiest shift I’ve worked in months. By the time I clocked out I felt delirious and I amplified that feeling by drinking prosecco with my sort of coworkers* on the closed patio of the fancy restaurant next door. (*We aren’t coworkers because they work at the fancy restaurant and I don’t, but we have the same boss so that counts for something.) Then my now-ex boyfriend came out and started rolling joints with weed one of my other not-coworkers got for free and I got even more delirious because I can’t say no to a good time. The group chatted and listened to the rodents thump around in the ally and then it started to rain very very hard. It was the first thunderstorm of spring. It pattered loud and smelled like earth. I was grateful to be with my friends, up past my bedtime, protected by the patio roof, feeling the charged air.
The moon and the delerium are why I’ve slept a lot the past few nights. It’s also a hormone thing. For Grace’s birthday I made a tiramisu and this morning for breakfast I used sourdough discard to make a pancake. I gave up meat for Lent and I’m currently reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma which I will share my (many positive) thoughts on when I’m finished. I feel better defined by the person I want to be than the person I am, I am working to close this gap.
I recommend:
buying lilies for your apartment, they smell very beautiful
reading nonfiction books on the subjects you claim to have interest in
making friends with someone at least 10 years older than yourself
trying to live aligned with your beliefs, if only imperfectly
practicing yoga
Thank you for reading! Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Lots of love, Jillian